RING! RING!

"Hello. T-Square Paintball. Can I help you?"

(young voice) "Yeah. How do I get there?"

"Umm, you need directions?"

"Yeah. Yeah, how do I get there?"

"What direction are you coming from?"

"Wait. Let me put my Mom on. MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!"

(fumbling of the phone - woman's voice) "Where are you located?"

"We are 3 miles north of Jacksonville on Old Highw..."

"No. No. How do I get there?"

"Oh. I'm sorry. You want directions."

(gum smacking - kids yelling in background) "Yes. How do I get there?"

"Well, ma'am. What direction are you coming from?"

"What direction? Why does that matter?"

"The directions are different, depending on what direction you're coming from."

"Little Rock. (kid yelling in background - "MOM. MOM. Ask if they rent automatics!") I'm coming from Little Rock."

"Ahhh, ok. Take 67/167 north to Jacksonville and take exit 11 - yada, yada, yada..."

(more gum smacking) "Ok. And when I turn right after the bridge, that's the service road, right?"

"No, ma'am. Actually it's not."

"Are you sure??"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you sure it's not the service road??"

"Well, ma'am it's actually North First Street/John Harden/Old Highway 67. But that's a bit confusing so we just tell people to turn right after the bridge and stay on that road for three miles. You'll see the field on the left.

"Don't I have to bear to the left somewhere along there?"

"No, ma'am. That spot has been replaced with an intersection. After you turn right after the bridge just stay on that road for three miles."

"Are you sure?? I remember bearing to the left there somewhere."

I'm sure, ma'am. Turn right after the bridge and..."

"Never mind. I'll find it."

CLICK.

(a half hour later) RING. RING.

"Hello. T-Square Paintball. Can I help..."

(it’s the gum smacker) "I’m on the service road. (kids yelling in the back ground) Where the hell are you located?"

At this point I was tempted to tell her to head south to I-30, go east, and continue driving till she saw signs for Jacksonville, Florida. "Ma'am, what direction are you traveling on the service road?"

"How should I know! Talk to my husband."

(more phone fumbling) "HELLO!"

"Yes, sir. What direction are you going on the service road?"

"Service road? I’m looking at a church."

"Is it on your left or right?"

"Left or right??? I said I’m looking at it. It’s right in front of me!"

"If you are on the service road you have to be passing the church with it on your left or right."

"Who said I was on the service road? I’m in the church parking lot. I’m looking right at the church."

DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT! DON'T SAY IT. Calmly, slowly release your white knuckle grip on the phone and help these people find T-Square.

I wonder how the other 145 players currently scurrying through the woods managed to find us?