"Hey, we're coming to play and I took the exit like the instructions said but now I'm way out in the woods and still going."
"Did you pass the horse stable yet?"
"Yeah, I saw that. I'm really getting out in the boonies. Can you give me a landmark that you are near? Like a McDonalds or a Wal-Mart or something?"
"Ummm, Sir."
"Yes."
"We play paintball in the woods."
Yeah...Oh... So I should keep driving?
"Yes, Sir."
phone: Ring! Ring!
me: Good Afternoon. T-Square Paintball.
caller: How much air do you put in a 9 ounce CO2 tank?
me: Sir? Do you mean how much CO2?
caller: No. I have a compressor. How much air can I put in it?
me: You don't want to put compressed air in a CO2 tank.
caller: Why not?
me: >>heavy sigh<<
Read more...
A man just called. Said he was in a tight spot and needed to sell his Craig Model 9600 Super Series Paintgun and Pressure System. I've been in the paintball business for awhile but I'll admit I haven't heard of everything. Not being familiar with this marker I asked a few questions only to find out he was trying to sell a paint sprayer. I told him, "No thanks. I already have enough Brass Eagle guns."
Ummmmm…
Message on my answering machine this morning:
"Hello? Your machine says the field is not open today. I have 8 little boys that want to play. We will be there around 1:00. Call 962-xxxx if there are any questions! Thanks!
"Questions? Me?
Merry Christmas, all. And Happy Holidays, too!
"Okay. Thanks for the information. Who am I talking too?"
"No problem. My name is Mick"
"Say again."
"Mick. My name is Mick"
"Rick?"
"No. Mick"
"Dick?"
"No. Mick. With an 'M'. Like Mantel"
"Oh. Okay. Talk to you later, Nick."
CLICK
Crap
Many paintballers get up early on Saturday and play in their backyard or on Uncle Billy Bob's back forty. Calls to the Pro-shop start early...
"Good morning. T-Square Paintball."
"Ummmmm, yeah. What time does the Pro-shop open?"
"Twelve, noon."
"Oh, ummmmm. Can I come in early and get some CO2 tanks filled?"
"Yes, you can come in on Friday."
--------
Okay, so I didn't say that. And yes, yes, yes I am already at the field/pro-shop setting up and getting ready for the 100 paying players expected in a few hours. I should tell him to come now and I'll drop what I am doing to provide him CO2 so he can play using Wallyworld paint on a renegade field with unchronoed guns and his 12 friends who have 8 masks between them.
Maybe I need to re-evaluate my priorities.
Maybe.
I can only handle and process one stream of input at one time. And even then I have a hard time keeping that train on it’s track. Maybe it’s AADD or maybe just a lazy stream of consciousness. Sure some babble just bores the heck out of me but I really do try to give my complete attention to every situation.
The type of call I just took I get about once a week. It’s Mom or Dad or someone, anyone, calling from work or the car or from home and there is someone in the background talking as loud or sometimes even louder than the person on the phone.
It must just be me because the person on the phone seems to have no trouble talking through the noise. For me both voices combine and turn into static and I can’t make out either one. I start blathering and become self conscious of that which adds to the frustration. Add road noise or a bad connection or make the second voice a screaming baby and there’s nothing short of a “ctrl/alt/del” that’s going to get my brain working right again.
"Good afternoon. T-Square Paintball."
"Ummm, yeah. What time does your 6 hour game start this Sunday?"
"It starts at 11:00."
"And when does it end?"
"Six hours later."
"When's that?
"Sir, the gates open at 9am for Sunday's 6 HOUR BIG GAME, the safety briefing is at 10:30am, the game starts at 11:00am and ends six hours later at 5pm."
"Well I didn't need to know all that."
click...
Good afternoon. T-Square Paintball.
Yes. Hello. What time do you close?
We close at 6pm.
Oh. Okay. How late can I bring a tank in to be filled?
Ahhhummm, 6pm.
Okay. See ya later.
...click...
Lately I've been thinking I should try to be less mean and grumpy and try to be more informative. After all, many of the things that make me mean and grumpy are due to a lack of player/customer knowledge.
So in that spirit I offer to some of you...
I set up up two "Big Games" each year at T-Square. No. They are not tournaments. I call them big games because they are just like our regular games, only bigger.
They are also called "Free" big games because their is no field fee, no equipment fee and no CO2 fee. Regardless of what anyone might think these events are not money makers. They are not intended to be money makers. They are special events, advertised heavily toward our frequent customers and held in appreciation of them.
I have no problems spending money on advertising to insure a good turn out. I don't concern myself with the cost of the electricity it takes to keep the lights on while I work long into the night on the scenario script. And Lord knows the refs and staff deserve every dollar they earn in salary for the day. In the end I give away to much stuff in the free raffle, take the crew out to dinner, sweat the "1 in 99" and swear I'll never do another big game, all while mulling in my head how the next scenario script will include more pyrotechnics and more chaos.
In hopes of breaking even financially all I ask is that players buy our paint.
So, to the young man that called the day before the event to confirm, "There's no field fee and no CO2 fee and I get a free raffle ticket and I can use your equipment for free," and then ask, "Can I bring paint that I bought from (insert name of competing field here)?"
I apologize for hanging up on you.
Dumb ass.
RING! RING!
Good afternoon. T-Square Paintball.
Hey. Do you guys rent scaffolds?
Ummm. No. I think you might have the wrong number.
No scaffolds? That's odd. Do you know anyone that might?
No, Sir. Sorry.
CLICK! (Well, that's what phones use to sound like when they were hung up.)
Paint > Painters > Paintball...
Thanks Yellow Pages.
Ring...Ring...
Good morning. T-Square Paintball.
Yeah. Hey. How many walk-on players will you have today?
Ummmm. Hang on. Let me get my crystal ball.
Good grief people. Three weekends ago we had 128 players. The following week 31. Last weekend we had 101 players.
Grab a friend and come on out. It only takes two to play paintball!
Colts by 16
Needless to say, the phone is a big part of our day - and day off - here at T-Square. If you call during other than business hours you get this message:
"Thank you for calling T-Square Paintball. There's no one in right now but you can press one to leave a message. Or call back when the Pro-Shop is open, Wednesday thru Sunday from noon till 6 or when the field is open, Saturday and Sunday at noon..."
Here's a message left a couple of Mondays ago: "My name is XXXX and my phone number is 985-XXXX and I need to make a reservation for this Saturday for a birthday party. Please call back as soon as possible.
And the next day, Tuesday morning, another message from the same caller: "Hello I called yesterday and left a message. I need you to call me back."
And that same Tuesday later in the afternoon, a third message from the same caller: "Listen. I don't know what kind of business you people are running but I need a call back so I can make reservations. I've already sent out the invitations. Please call back as soon as possible."
The first thing Wednesday when we open we check our messages. The call back to this caller went something like this:
Impatient last minute planner: Hello?
T-Square: Yes Ma'am, this is Mick Gray at T-Square Paintball returning your call.
Impatient last minute planner: Oh. It's you. Well... Forget it. We've decided to take the birthday party to Chucky Cheese.
Maybe I should spread my 60 hour work week out over 7 days instead of 5!
Message on my answering machine this morning:
"Hello? Your machine says the field is not open today. I have 8 little boys that want to play. We will be there around 1:00. Call 962-xxxx if there are any questions! Thanks!"
Questions? Me?
Merry Christmas, all. And Happy Holidays, too!
My field manager took this phone call Sunday...
manager: Hello. T-Square Paintball.
caller: Yeah could you help me with directions?
manager: Sure. Where are you located?
caller: I'm in the Walmart parking lot in Jacksonville.
manager: Oh. No problem... (she starts giving directions)
caller: (interrupting) That doesn't sound right. I think you have the wrong Walmart.
manager: Sir. There is only one Walmart in Jacksonville.
caller: No. There's two. I'm in the Walmart parking lot off of Beach Street.
manager: Ummmm... Sir, there is no Beach Street in Jacksonville.
caller: Sure there is. I'm looking at the street sign.
manager: Beach Street? (and then being the smart girl she is she asks) Sir. Where did you say you were calling from?
caller: (irratated) The Walmart parking lot. Beach Street. In Jacksonville!
manager: What state are you calling from?
caller: Florida. I'm in the Walmart parking lot on Beach Street in Jacksonville, Florida.
manager: Sir. You called T-Square Paintball in Jacksonville, ARKANSAS!!!
caller: Oh.And he hung up before we could figure out how he could have possibly gotten the area codes so crossed up!
Again... we don't make this stuff up, folks! Don't even ask about the couple of times my Pro-shop orders arrived with sand in them!
I started writing here because I thought it might be therapeutic. A way to let off steam. A chance to get past some of the nonsense.
Thursday afternoon the phone rings...Ring. Ring."Good afternoon, T-Square Paintball."
"Hi, I need to make a reservation for a group to come out to play paintball on Saturday."
"Oh, I'm sorry ma'am but we are booked solid this Saturday."
"How about early in the morning?"
"Sorry, ma'am. But we are booked solid."
"Do you have any openings later in the afternoon?"
"No, ma'am."
"But I all ready invited everyone. It's a birthday party for my son!"
"Sorry, ma'am. Can we set you up for another weekend?"
"No you can not set me up for another weekend. You can check your calendar and find me a time for this Saturday!"
"Ok. Let me check.... Nope, nothing open this Saturday."
"What kind of stupid place are you running out there?"
CLICK!
Another happy customer......!
And then there's Saturday morning, 10:30, an hour and a half before we open. A lady and 6 kids are outside banging on the Pro-Shop door.
"Hello! HELLO! I brought some kids that want to play."
"Sorry, ma'am. We're not open yet."
"But we're here. Can they start early?"
"Ma'am we are not ready yet. My refs are still setting up the field and equipment."
"Still setting up? Well you need to get some competent workers."
(My field manager almost went over the counter after her!)
Another day in paradise!
"Good Afternoon, T-Square Paintball."
"Hi. Do you sell those air ball field packages? You know, those cheap ones for around $300! My son wants to set up a paintball field in the backyard so he and his friends have a place to play."
"No, ma'am. I don't."
"Why not?"
There it is. They can't let it go. They have to ask THE question - "WHY NOT?"
"Well, Ma'am. A proper air ball field, one that won't be shot full of holes by the end of the day, will cost around $2500."
"Oh, I don't want to spend that much. I'll find the cheap one some where else."
CLICK!
She didn't give me a chance to ask if she was going to buy her back yard players a chronograph. I didn't get a chance to ask if she was going to safety check all her backyard player's guns and tanks and masks. I wondered if there would be someone to insure players kept their masks on.
I assume her property doesn't border a neighbor who might get upset if a stray ball bangs off the roof of his car but I have to wonder who is going to keep little sister from wandering out into the middle of a game to see what's going on. And I doubt she has a clue what a mess and handful of kids can leave in a backyard after a day of play.
How selfish of me. Never thinking of anyone but myself!
"Hello. T-Square Paintball. Can I help you?"
(young voice) "Yeah. How do I get there?"
"Umm, you need directions?"
"Yeah. Yeah, how do I get there?"
"What direction are you coming from?"
"Wait. Let me put my Mom on. MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!"
(fumbling of the phone - woman's voice) "Where are you located?"
"We are 3 miles north of Jacksonville on Old Highw..."
"No. No. How do I get there?"
"Oh. I'm sorry. You want directions."
(gum smacking - kids yelling in background) "Yes. How do I get there?"
"Well, ma'am. What direction are you coming from?"
"What direction? Why does that matter?"
"The directions are different, depending on what direction you're coming from."
"Little Rock. (kid yelling in background - "MOM. MOM. Ask if they rent automatics!") I'm coming from Little Rock."
"Ahhh, ok. Take 67/167 north to Jacksonville and take exit 11 - yada, yada, yada..."
(more gum smacking) "Ok. And when I turn right after the bridge, that's the service road, right?"
"No, ma'am. Actually it's not."
"Are you sure??"
"Excuse me?"
"Are you sure it's not the service road??"
"Well, ma'am it's actually North First Street/John Harden/Old Highway 67. But that's a bit confusing so we just tell people to turn right after the bridge and stay on that road for three miles. You'll see the field on the left.
"Don't I have to bear to the left somewhere along there?"
"No, ma'am. That spot has been replaced with an intersection. After you turn right after the bridge just stay on that road for three miles."
"Are you sure?? I remember bearing to the left there somewhere."
I'm sure, ma'am. Turn right after the bridge and..."
"Never mind. I'll find it."
CLICK.
(a half hour later) RING. RING.
"Hello. T-Square Paintball. Can I help..."
(it’s the gum smacker) "I’m on the service road. (kids yelling in the back ground) Where the hell are you located?"
At this point I was tempted to tell her to head south to I-30, go east, and continue driving till she saw signs for Jacksonville, Florida. "Ma'am, what direction are you traveling on the service road?"
"How should I know! Talk to my husband."
(more phone fumbling) "HELLO!"
"Yes, sir. What direction are you going on the service road?"
"Service road? I’m looking at a church."
"Is it on your left or right?"
"Left or right??? I said I’m looking at it. It’s right in front of me!"
"If you are on the service road you have to be passing the church with it on your left or right."
"Who said I was on the service road? I’m in the church parking lot. I’m looking right at the church."
DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT! DON'T SAY IT. Calmly, slowly release your white knuckle grip on the phone and help these people find T-Square.
I wonder how the other 145 players currently scurrying through the woods managed to find us?
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